My list of things to do...
make vanilla extract
make peppermint extract
make a variety of different tinctures for sleep, stress, nursing...
bake several batches of christmas cookiesfor neighbors and family
bake two apple pies for B's coworkers
make a list of different christmas presents including crochet items
make christmas crafts with Xy
finish painting the living room and Xy's room
All the while taking care of my two babes, pumping for another babe, taking care of three dogs and taking care of a cat...
busy mama is me.
Some days I feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted but most days I don't stop long enough to feel that way...today I am slowing down but only for a bit of reflection which is always a good thing.
I've been teaching myself how to make more things in all realms. I've been doing crochet now for several months and I love it but I've also been teaching myself how to cook different things, bake different things from scratch, make my own ingredients, make my own herbal supplements among other little things...I enjoy making things and since I'm only doing online school, and Im not even sure if Im going to do that next term, its fun and makes me feel good. I enjoy my little world here with my cat, dogs, and babies. There are days I feel totally isolated but then I go out into the world and see how life is these days, the constant go go, the constant consumption, the disconnect and my little bubble is the warmest place I could imagine. I think our country is in a very instable spot these days, changes are being made from all sides of the country and I am prepared to take a stand and support my fellow citizens against our government but for now I just want to cuddle my babies and bake some cookies. Its a sad sad world we live in some days.
Another thing that seems to be a constant learning process is relationships. I don't mean partner relationships although I will say that that IS a constant learning process with ups and downs but that is to be expected, what I am referring to is friendships at this age. Some days I feel like my friends are all here for me, I have a group of friends that I adore and are so wonderful but there are days when I feel they are miles away. I have old relationships that although these people are not in my life every day I like to know how they are. I wish the best for people from my past even if the roads were rocky and I like to see them smiling and their babies smiling but the feelings are not returned. That is life though, some people can't seem to grow up and out of certain things. And as frustrating as it is to want to show them your love for them even if there were more bad times than good but them not allow it, is difficult. I have to remind myself that they are not genuine souls if they won't allow or invite love. Its just hard to accept sometimes. I am grateful for the experiences I've had, I have made many mistakes and I have also been treated poorly by others. No one is perfect and I guess its the true friends, the true people who understand that. Listen to me convince myself. In short it is frustrating to me when I try to reach out to an old friend and let her know I am sorry and that I forgive her and she shuts me out. One day I will learn to forget these people...I suppose I care too much though. Maybe one day she will learn to admit her past faults and accept my apologies.
So the 20 somethings...the years of mistakes, the years of learning, the years of the best little people joining your life...the ups and downs and twist and turns. The taking back what you said one day and finding the deepest loves you could ever imagine.
My 20 somethings...heartache, birth, rebirth, anger, frustations, lessons learned, falling in love with the most complicated and lovely man I've ever met, the birth of my babies, the struggles, the finding ones self.
and I'm only half way through them.