Saturday, December 17, 2011

Hello me...

Five years ago I lost myself...I walked the walk, I talked the talk, but it was not me there pushing the buttons...

It took me two years to find myself again.

I am a goofball and not afraid to admit it.

I like to dance and sing and make crazy noises.

I have a variety of strange laughs that sort of come out of nowhere.

I am not perfect, I am stubborn, I am opionated, I sometimes get carried away...

Hey its me...I kind of like myself.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


Our situation is not exactly "normal". Normal to the American people, maybe, but not exactly the every day situation. I have two beautiful daughters with two different men...something I never expected myself to say, something that hurts every day for so many different reasons. I would not change the things that have happened in my life, I love both of my girls so much but I did not choose an easy path for anyone involved. I am reminded of this daily with the looks I get from people and the comments that friends and family make. The most hurtful from people who are near to us now. I don't think anyone could understand the levels of hurt in this situation, for everyone involved, unless they were living it themselves.
With the tip of the iceberg discussed I'm moving on...Xy lives full time with us and goes every other week to her fathers for three nights. Her father had a child a month before our child was born...makes for a very tough transition for Xy. She has handled it so well though. It is tough for a child to handle a new sibling matter the age or situation but Xy had to deal with two children being born very close together. Of course we didn't know they were having a baby and they didn't know we were having a baby...if these things would have been shared I think both parties would have wanted a different situation for Xys's sake...although I don't know if it has helped having the same situation at both houses or made it harder...I don't really know. I do know that working with Xy's father's wife and being open about things has been tremendous, it has helped so much along the way. There are so many things to look at in this situation. But overall, no matter what happened along the way Xy has done amazing. She is such a strong little girl and she has handled these two years of changes so well. She is sassy, smart and very sweet.
    So after Addie's birth when Xy woke up and ventured out into the living room (shockingly she slept through my birth howls) she saw her little sister. She climbed up and gently brushed her cheek. We whispered about her, she was a little overhwelmed by the presence of everyone being here but you could watch her fall in love. I've heard different stories of children being excited and children being sad or angry but Xy was just accepting and loving. She kissed her sister and hugged her. She has been such a wonderful big sister. She helps Addie, she sings to her, she plays with her...its so sweet. Yes there are moments that she struggles with it but those are rare and getting rarer by the days. Its unbelievable to watch such a transition in a child, she has gone from only child to having two siblings and handled it well. Of course there were bumps along the way, its to be expected  but overall its been great.
   The girls have such a sweet relationship right now...most of my pregnancy I thought I was having a boy (Not finding out what you are having is such a wonderful and beautiful experience, but that I'll discuss another day) until the very end when we all knew it was a girl...we just had a feeling. So in those last few weeks of preparing for two little girls, I was overwhelmed with fear of how it was going to go...I suppose I was a bit hormonal so that could explain some of the overwhelming feelings...and my MIL was here and well that relationship is anything but good, not to mention we just moved and Brian had just started a new job...but with all of that I never could have anticipated how smooth the transition would be. I knew the moment I met Addie's eyes that everything would be ok, with the release of the hormones and the worries and letting my body just take over and do its job and birth my baby for some reason my fears left, then her little eyes looking at me, so sweet, so gentle, she soothed me. Then when Xy came out and looked at her and I saw the love in her eyes my heart was completely settled.
   Sisters...a truly wonderful relationship.  Watching Xy sing to Addie, her baby sister and Addie stop crying and sit and smile at her big sister makes this mama so proud and overwhelmed with love.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


My list of things to do...
make vanilla extract
make peppermint extract
make a variety of different tinctures for sleep, stress, nursing...
bake several batches of christmas cookiesfor neighbors and family
bake two apple pies for B's coworkers
make a list of different christmas presents including crochet items
make christmas crafts with Xy
finish painting the living room and Xy's room
All the while taking care of my two babes, pumping for another babe, taking care of three dogs and taking care of a cat...
busy mama is me.

Some days I feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted but most days I don't stop long enough to feel that I am slowing down but only for a bit of reflection which is always a good thing.

I've been teaching myself how to make more things in all realms. I've been doing crochet now for several months and I love it but I've also been teaching myself how to cook different things, bake different things from scratch, make my own ingredients, make my own herbal supplements among other little things...I enjoy making things and since I'm only doing online school, and Im not even sure if Im going to do that next term, its fun and makes me feel good. I enjoy my little world here with my cat, dogs, and babies. There are days I feel totally isolated but then I go out into the world and see how life is these days, the constant go go, the constant consumption, the disconnect and my little bubble is the warmest place I could imagine. I think our country is in a very instable spot these days, changes are being made from all sides of the country and I am prepared to take a stand and support my fellow citizens against our government but for now I just want to cuddle my babies and bake some cookies. Its a sad sad world we live in some days.

Another thing that seems to be a constant learning process is relationships. I don't mean partner relationships although I will say that that IS a constant learning process with ups and downs but that is to be expected, what I am referring to is friendships at this age. Some days I feel like my friends are all here for me, I have a group of friends that I adore and are so wonderful but there are days when I feel they are miles away. I have old relationships that although these people are not in my life every day I like to know how they are. I wish the best for people from my past even if the roads were rocky and I like to see them smiling and their babies smiling but the feelings are not returned. That is life though, some people can't seem to grow up and out of certain things. And as frustrating as it is to want to show them your love for them even if there were more bad times than good but them not allow it, is difficult. I have to remind myself that they are not genuine souls if they won't allow or invite love. Its just hard to accept sometimes. I am grateful for the experiences I've had, I have made many mistakes and I have also been treated poorly by others. No one is perfect and I guess its the true friends, the true people who understand that. Listen to me convince myself. In short it is frustrating to me when I try to reach out to an old friend and let her know I am sorry and that I forgive her and she shuts me out. One day I will learn to forget these people...I suppose I care too much though. Maybe one day she will learn to admit her past faults and accept my apologies.

So the 20 somethings...the years of mistakes, the years of learning, the years of the best little people joining your life...the ups and downs and twist and turns. The taking back what you said one day and finding the deepest loves you could ever imagine.

My 20 somethings...heartache, birth, rebirth, anger, frustations, lessons learned, falling in love with the most complicated and lovely man I've ever met, the birth of my babies, the struggles, the finding ones self.

and I'm only half way through them.